January 5, 2019

January 5, 2019

It's a new year. I have much to celebrate. I have been exercising at least three days a week for months now. I am about to start back at work on Monday which unfortunately triggers anxiety and depression for me. I want to also start looking at what I'm eating because that might be a factor, also. As you know, internet, I lost 30 pounds and have kept it off for two years.  It is starting to creep back up a little to 184.4 from 180 since I have been eating lots of sweets to help manage my depression.  It temporarily helps me feel better when I eat as much chocolate as I can get my hands on. It is an addiction for me. It means scouring the house for the kids Christmas candy and eating what I think I can get away with without them noticing it. Who bought them this particular candy, you ask. I did of course.

Here is my exercise regime since the first of January:
Tuesday, New Years Day, 2019: 6 miles running with a run/walk of 2:00/30 seconds. Then another mile of walking
Wednesday: Rest
Thursday: Running/walking for 10 miles.  I was trying not to exercise on Thursday. Unfortunately my brain didn't allow it. I started sinking into depression. I felt terrible, desperate.  I left the house around 12:30 PM and didn't return until after 4:00 PM. This was after running/walking 10 miles. That was the only thing that worked. 
Friday: Rest
Saturday: I was going to go to The November Project workout at 8:00 AM, but I kept hitting snooze on my alarm. I couldn't sleep all night with the anxiety of Will I wake up or won't I?  Then Diana called me twice. We hadn't yet decided on her picking me up, but thank God she did.  I got out of bed at 7:40. I quickly threw on a coat over my outfit (that I slept in). I got some tea ready, some water and a bar. I also threw my medication in my pocket. I still had time to take my medicine, eat a bar, and make it to November Project on time- with Diana driving.  The workout was great. I felt terrible when I started, but it finally went away after about 10 minutes.
Sunday (tomorrow) I'm either doing a 5.6 mile Jackson Day Race in Arabi, LA or I'm running around the park with the family. I already have Diana coming with me. I'll do whatever she wants.

Since I am full of anxiety, indecision and a general sense of dread that is my depression, it is extremely difficult to make a decision. I am a little obsessed with how should I exercise tomorrow? Will I sleep tonight? etc. I have around 19 more papers to grade which is amazing since I started with 74 papers.  I also need to clean the house, make everything perfect for starting school on Monday. Since all of this overwhelms me so much, I will of course, do nothing. I did try to clean my room for about 30 minutes. It overwhelmed me and made me feel very depressed. I don't know why.  That makes no sense. I just don't think I can do it properly.  I know, it makes no sense. That is why I am writing to you- dear blog. It helps me stay off the edge. I am lucky enough that my depression has never sent me into the hospital. I wish I could go in the hospital sometimes, to take a break from it, but I don't think that is what happens. I think that would be terrible to be in a facility where you didn't have control of your life anymore. Therefore, that won't happen. I will continue. What other choice do I have. I just have to pick up one foot. Put one foot in front of the other. Go to this party. Talk to this person. You know the drill.