I am going to try to write much more often. I hope that it will help me process and live the best I can in the conditions that are my mind. I am listening to a podcast as I type. My son is playing soccer in our stamp size front yard with our neighbor. My daughter is at her cousin's house baking a cake. I just dropped off my husband downtown to attend the Saints Playoff team.
I'm listening to Serial, listening again to the podcast about Bowe Bergdahl. Bergdahl has not been officially diagnosed, but it is most likely that he has some type of mental illness (schizo affective disorder). I am lucky that I don't have a diagnosis that is this severe. Schizo affective disorder is much harder to treat than depression and anxiety which is what I suffer from (heavy on the depression). Anxiety is- of course- along for the ride (for myself).
Here is the synopsis for last week. I ran on the weekend for a short distance (maybe around 4 miles). Monday and Wednesday I went to November Project with my friend. Therefore, I was pretty stable Monday-Thursday. I was tired, and I went to bed too early on Thursday. I went to bed from 7:30 PM until 6:30 AM. I woke up, and I still felt so exhausted. This was the first week back after our Holiday Break which lasted for two weeks. On Friday I felt physically and mentally done. I wasn't my best. Everything bothered me. I felt sick, very ill from my depression. I have felt worse. I could walk around, go to work, etc. That was all I could do. As soon as I came home, I was done. It feels like a terrible cycle. My husband was great. He helped with everything. He made me get up on Friday morning and on Saturday morning. I had a plan to go on a long run on Saturday. I probably slept for over 10 hours on Friday. I said I would start my planned 13.1 mile training run at 7:00AM. Then I could be helpful with family life. Of course I didn't even get out of bed until 7:30 AM. It wasn't the end of the world.
I texted my running partner, and she told me to go to her house, so we could start together. I arrived at her house around 8:30, and we started almost immediately. I felt terrible at first because I had slept more hours than I was awake for the past few days. After about 30 minutes of running (2 min run/30 sec walk), the terrible dread, fog, and disgusting film of depression began to lift off of my body and soul. Thank you, God, for this. Thank you. Then I knew I would be fine. We are running in The Big Beach Marathon on January 27th. I'm running the half, and my running partner is running the full. It will be her first full. It will be my second half for the year. Running is literally saving me. Really. Especially when I oversleep- which I do because my mind/body tells me, you are exhausted, you are exhausted. The dread, anxiety, and just being in the moment are awful and relentless. When I am deeply asleep, I don't feel it. Once I begin to cross the 10 hour threshold, I have dreams that I wake up remembering. These dreams repeat and vary slightly. They are usually about how I have lost my mind, I am in a psych ward somewhere, and I am trapped in my own head. They are pretty awful. The terrible state that I am in in my dreams has never happened to me in real life. I think these dreams represent my worst fears about my mind (which-as I said- is relentless). C ran with me for 7 miles. We kept a pretty good pace. She really helped me. It felt fine, but I would not have been able to do it without the help.
She left me at her street. I had 6 more miles to do. I started on my own, and I felt fine. The first 30 minutes are always the hardest. Once my body is warmed up, and I'm in the zone, I can keep going. I decided to run all the way downtown (to the Marriott). That is a three mile run from where C dropped me off. It is largely on the dirt tracks of the street car which feels good on the legs. I had a banana, water, and tea at the Starbucks downtown. Then I decided to run my additional 3 miles downtown by the Mississippi River, down the riverfront, down through Crescent Park. These parks follow the river, and they feel great.
The last three miles of my three miles, I tried to run the entire time. This felt pretty good. Therefore, I walked another 7 miles back home. This gave me a total of 20 miles with 13 miles done running/walking. This has been my longest walk/run in NOLA in years. It felt amazing. My heart rate was up. I was exhausted but not injured. I stopped at Steins and had a bagel with egg, swiss, and tomato. Then I walked to my mother in law's house where my daughter and husband were. I knew I would be fine for the rest of the day. I knew that the intense exercise would keep me feeling safe for the next 24 hours. I forced myself to stay awake until 9PM. I was up by 7:30 AM. This wasn't great, but it wasn't terrible. I didn't feel as bad as I usually do after sleeping this long because my body actually needed it due to the 20 miles.
Today I went on a nice walk for a couple of miles. I cleaned the kitchen. Now my job is to clean the house and get things ready for the week. This always overwhelms me. I need to look at the bills, pay them, take a shower, wash my hair, be present for my kids when they are done with their playdate. Be present for my family when we are all together tonight for dinner. That sounds easy right? It is, if you are not so depressed and anxious that you can't be in the moment.
I already have a plan for exercising in the morning. I have to have someone pick me up, or I have to pick up someone in order to go to my November Project workout. If no one is counting on me, I will sleep. My friend will be waiting on me for 5:40 AM. I'll sleep in my clothes, have my water, shoes, and keys by the door. Then I'll go get her in the morning.
Doing the small things such as cleaning up, organizing, etc. Those are the hard things. I don't feel like I will do enough. My house won't be the right kind of clean. Am I being a good enough mom? Look at my house. Look at the pictures I haven't hung, etc. These things haunt me, so it is hard for me to do anything at all. I am going to try. The only way I can do it is to write myself a list in my tiny calendar notebook. Then I have to cross the things off the list. This list has to be VERY SPECIFIC, or I will not do it.
Next week, I have an appointment with a new therapist. I am taking my medication. I am exercising. My plan is to do November Project on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, and have one running day on Saturday. That should be ok.
Week of 1/13/2019
Sunday: Rest
Monday: NP Jeff Davis
Tuesday: (Satsuma 6:15- RUN)
Wednesday: NP (Champion's Square)
Thursday: Rest
Friday: NP (Lakefront)
Saturday: Run
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