December 8, 2018

Well, I am writing this from my bed. I never allow myself to lay in bed during the day. However, it is pouring rain. I cleaned the kitchen, and I cleaned out the refrigerator. I am supposed to go running at 3ish with my friend. I hope the rain stops or slows down by then! 

I'm doing ok today. How I am doing is always based on how much I've been exercising. Of course I am taking my medication!  I did have a little trouble getting ALL of my medication on time. My pharmacy was not filling one of my medications because the manufacturer wasn't making that quantity (30 mg). They were only making the 15 mg amount. I got a new prescription for the medication, and the pharmacy finally filled it.

Wish me luck on the exercising at 3:45PM!

November 19, 2018

It is the Monday of Thanksgiving break. I slept 12 hours last night which makes me feel terrible.  Wow, this is what I am always saying about myself. On the plus side I did force myself to exercise for 30 minutes which helped somewhat. I also have the girls this afternoon which will help. I am currently facing a to do list which includes making my husband bill his clients. I also have taking care of the animals, flue shots, immunizations, etc., and my quest to make my house look like a loving home where an amazing mom lives.  Right?!  So, the only thing I can kind of do is some school work. It is hard for me to focus on the house because it seems so overwhelming. My dad has an issue with one of his leg that he is worried about and my mom is worried about. I was so deep in thought about how to avoid being a depressed/anxious whirlwind over this break that I fell and chipped my front tooth- pretty badly. This means I will be at the dentist tomorrow at 10:00AM hoping for the best.  Ughhh.  Oh well. 

Anyway, I am exercising more regularly. I'm not eating very well, but I have maintained a 30 pound weight loss that I lost last year.  It's a start. It's better than nothing.

January 27, 2018

I just finished hiking up the stairs at The downtown Marriott just now.  I hiked up the stairs with my day pack full of 20 pounds of books from school and my laptop.  I woke up this morning around 7:30, ate too much for breakfast, and felt ok.  Then I straightened up the house and took Eli with me to see Ana's game.  In the in between space, my mind reeled, the depression covering every surface, seeping into every crevice.  I faked my way through the car ride back home with Ana.  I sat on the couch and opened my computer and looked at it just to have something to do.  I had already straightened up the house.  The thought of doing a detailed job at home- of course- filled me with dread because I don't know how to start.  I just feel like a failure because every room isn't detailed and figured out- even though we are never home.  The mantra I should be saying to myself is "if it isn't happening now, it isn't happening."  I kept picturing the day, and I had absolutely no idea how I was going to get through it, no idea how I was going to get through it. I told Mario, "I'm very sick right now.  I feel very sick."  He said, "OK."  Just telling him made me feel a bit better. 

I tried to make myself be mad at him for not wanting to fix me or fix the problem.  However, he knows that I just have to go through it.  He asked about 15 minutes later once I seemed to be doing better if I was  better.  I said, "Why can't you just tell me to go lie in the bed?" He said, "I would if I thought that would help."  He is absolutely perfect for me with dealing with my annoying fucking mental illness.  He isn't going to just let me give into it.  I have also told him that he should never do that.  I don't think it has occurred to him anyway.  I am thinking this with a sarcastic tone.  He does a great job with me honestly.

I decided that I absolutely had to  hike at the Marriott with my pack.  It is my first hike up with an actual pack.  It is absolutely pouring, and I am not going to run in the rain like that if I don't have to. 

Ciao for now!