Saturday, January 27, 2018

January 27, 2018

I just finished hiking up the stairs at The downtown Marriott just now.  I hiked up the stairs with my day pack full of 20 pounds of books from school and my laptop.  I woke up this morning around 7:30, ate too much for breakfast, and felt ok.  Then I straightened up the house and took Eli with me to see Ana's game.  In the in between space, my mind reeled, the depression covering every surface, seeping into every crevice.  I faked my way through the car ride back home with Ana.  I sat on the couch and opened my computer and looked at it just to have something to do.  I had already straightened up the house.  The thought of doing a detailed job at home- of course- filled me with dread because I don't know how to start.  I just feel like a failure because every room isn't detailed and figured out- even though we are never home.  The mantra I should be saying to myself is "if it isn't happening now, it isn't happening."  I kept picturing the day, and I had absolutely no idea how I was going to get through it, no idea how I was going to get through it. I told Mario, "I'm very sick right now.  I feel very sick."  He said, "OK."  Just telling him made me feel a bit better. 

I tried to make myself be mad at him for not wanting to fix me or fix the problem.  However, he knows that I just have to go through it.  He asked about 15 minutes later once I seemed to be doing better if I was  better.  I said, "Why can't you just tell me to go lie in the bed?" He said, "I would if I thought that would help."  He is absolutely perfect for me with dealing with my annoying fucking mental illness.  He isn't going to just let me give into it.  I have also told him that he should never do that.  I don't think it has occurred to him anyway.  I am thinking this with a sarcastic tone.  He does a great job with me honestly.

I decided that I absolutely had to  hike at the Marriott with my pack.  It is my first hike up with an actual pack.  It is absolutely pouring, and I am not going to run in the rain like that if I don't have to. 

Ciao for now!

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