I just finished hiking up the stairs at The downtown Marriott just now. I hiked up the stairs with my day pack full of 20 pounds of books from school and my laptop. I woke up this morning around 7:30, ate too much for breakfast, and felt ok. Then I straightened up the house and took Eli with me to see Ana's game. In the in between space, my mind reeled, the depression covering every surface, seeping into every crevice. I faked my way through the car ride back home with Ana. I sat on the couch and opened my computer and looked at it just to have something to do. I had already straightened up the house. The thought of doing a detailed job at home- of course- filled me with dread because I don't know how to start. I just feel like a failure because every room isn't detailed and figured out- even though we are never home. The mantra I should be saying to myself is "if it isn't happening now, it isn't happening." I kept picturing the day, and I had absolutely no idea how I was going to get through it, no idea how I was going to get through it. I told Mario, "I'm very sick right now. I feel very sick." He said, "OK." Just telling him made me feel a bit better.
I tried to make myself be mad at him for not wanting to fix me or fix the problem. However, he knows that I just have to go through it. He asked about 15 minutes later once I seemed to be doing better if I was better. I said, "Why can't you just tell me to go lie in the bed?" He said, "I would if I thought that would help." He is absolutely perfect for me with dealing with my annoying fucking mental illness. He isn't going to just let me give into it. I have also told him that he should never do that. I don't think it has occurred to him anyway. I am thinking this with a sarcastic tone. He does a great job with me honestly.
I decided that I absolutely had to hike at the Marriott with my pack. It is my first hike up with an actual pack. It is absolutely pouring, and I am not going to run in the rain like that if I don't have to.
Ciao for now!
