Sunday, October 22, 2017

Today

I am going to attempt to write for at least 20 minutes...to clear my head, to be honest about where I am now.  I slept too long last night which stressed me out because it throws off my mental health.  I didn't even get out of bed until around 10:00 AM.  Mario brought me two coffees and the paper to read.  I know; I'm spoiled.  I got up dizzy with too much sleep around 10:00 AM.  The kids and husband were going to go watch a football game at a friend's house which left me the unusual situation of having time to myself.  I watched a one and a half episodes of Sherlock while straightening the house.  Then I forced myself to run.  I have gone on a run every day since Friday which is extremely helpful for my mental health.  As always I am on my usual medication which includes: Effexor, Wellbutrin, and Buspar (twice a day).  It certainly helps take the edge off.  Exercise really helps, too.  I have been listening to The Hilarious World of Depression which is really good.  John Green was talking on the show about thinking that spirals out of control.  I definitely struggle with that.  While I was running today- once I got to a certain threshold- my mind began to clear.  I ran most of the way downtown to The Marriott.  At the Marriott I indulged in 9 small Madeleines- of course I did- a tea and water.  The security guard paid for it for some reason.  I'm not really sure why. Maybe I looked pathetic?  I'm not sure.  The run felt pretty good.  I wasn't exhausted from work which helps.  After stuffing myself with Madeleines, I walked up the 42 flights of stairs to the top.  It was good.  It wasn't that hard since I have been running and walking up some stairs for the past few days.  I am going to try to maintain this during the week, and I think that will help.

I started walking the three miles home, and my mind started spinning.  I'm glad the weekend is almost over and that it is later in the day which helps.  It means that the weekend is almost over.  I immediately started to feel guilty and terrible because I hadn't been with my family even though I hate football.  I chose not to go over to the house.  I exercised and cleaned somewhat which should help.  However, my binge eating has been getting out of control, and my eating is definitely in control of me.  I haven't weighed myself in days, and I have a meeting with my nutritionist on Wednesday.  I want to take control of my life again, and I want to achieve a healthy weight for my height (a maximum of 160 pounds), but can I do it?  I have doubts today.  I felt so panicked yesterday of the thought of how I would fail as a mom, fail to get through the weekend, that I told myself I absolutely must eat whatever I needed to eat to get through that.  I ran to the soccer game.  I ran home and stopped at two different places to eat two different things by myself so that no one else would see me.  Of course the strangers in the shop saw me, but that was ok.  I felt somewhat guilty, but I felt like it was necessary to shove that food down my throat.  I bought a cookie, too, and I had to throw that away after I finished shoving a small chocolate pie down my throat.  I threw it away as I envisioned myself eating it in secret at my house - which I can do and have done for years.  I am disgusted with myself.  I am sad that I continue to feel empty, alone, and powerless against this illness which is always with me.  Yes I am managing it.  Yes I have a wonderful husband and family and some friends.  I am fighting every day against this sinking, this thing that is dragging me under.  It is always with me.  It is always with me.  I know that I can have a happy life, and I know that I can have moments where I feel good.  When I got off work on Friday I felt so much worse than I do right now.  I hadn't exercised, I felt like my lessons at work didn't go over well.  I didn't see how I was going to get to my kids' festival that I had to get to.  I forced myself to run up the hospital's stairs twice which was 22 flights of stairs.  I ran as much as I could, and I walked a lot of it.  It definitely helped clear my mind.  I can feel my mind clearing now, too.  Sometimes as I run at the end of a hard day, I feel like I am filled with the depression and anxiety, that it is oozing out and pouring in at the same time.  It is working its way out and into my body.  I feel like I have to acknowledge its presence.  I don't accept it. I don't like it. I will never like it.  Will I ever accept it?  I hear people on podcasts talking about how they have accepted it.  I feel like a combatant like it is my arch enemy (ala Sherlock). I abhor it; I try to sometimes not think of it.

I have been thinking for the past month really about how I will tackle two things.  First I need to maintain the weight I lost consistently.  Second I need to begin losing the final 30 pounds (20-30 pounds depending on how optimistic I'm feeling.)  I talked to Mario about having my celebration be a week on the Appalachian Trail right after school is over with two of my friends.  When I am hiking I can honestly get rid of the anxiety and depression.  I don't think to myself what a failure I am since my house isn't cute, charming, and welcoming like a Betty Crocker house, how my classroom is not exactly how I want it-every moment planned and conducted like I picture it in my mind.  How can I do this technique, Writing Workshop, do the asinine things required of me such as state testing, be cheerful, be all the things I need to be for all the people that I need to be.  How can I be anxious about these idiotic, trivial things when an acquaintance is dealing with her husband who had a psychotic break and killed their 18 month old child.  I don't have problems compared to that. Certainly not. 

I would like to experience and show gratitude for what I have, all that I have, who I am, who my husband, children and family are and how lucky I am.  I was healthy enough to run today. I was healthy enough to feel good while running. It wasn't fast, but it felt good.  God give me the strength to be in the moment, to be the best I can be, to be there for my family, for others, to teach the best lessons I can, to balance my work, family, and personal life- which I feel again that I am a failure in.  My instincts tell me to stay alone, without others, but I don't want to do that. I do want to nurture friendships with my mom, my sister in law, my friends.  God help me.  I am thankful. I am thankful. I am thankful.   

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