My kids are in their last day of art camp, so this is my last day to write without interruption. I am feeling overwhelmed and unsure of myself. I feel this heavy weight that sits on my chest. My husband wanted me to go for a walk with him, but I told him I had to focus on my writing. Now I am replaying the conversation in my head over and over. Maybe I should have gone with him? This is my challenge that anxiety and depression throw my way (daily). It is hard for me to understand what is the best choice for me in a given situation. I struggle to make simple decisions usually. I feel a heavy weight of anxiety on my chest because we have friends coming in today. I am trying to tell myself to feel gratitude for this. I am so lucky to have friends coming in to visit. What is the worst that can happen, I tell myself? They lived here before, so they know their way around. It's just hard for me to be "on" all the time. I need to retreat into myself sometimes to get the energy I need to be present. I have been doing fairly well this holiday season in staying pretty stable. It is very helpful to be around my husband. I relax when he is there, and I know that I'm going to be ok. I have also been running almost every day along with taking all of my medication to a "T". I almost always do this anyway (the medication part- at least).
I am struggling to maintain the weight I have lost. I have promised myself that I will not get above 184 pounds. The lowest I have been is 180 pounds. My weight is hovering around 183.6 right now. I have been indulging in the holiday sweets, and I am struggling mightily with my will power today regarding food. I am a recovering binge eater. I don't usually admit that. I think I have told my husband that information once. I have improved significantly on that front since I became part of an efficacy study with Propel. I have a health coach that I meet with once a week; I weigh myself first thing in the morning, and the results go to my health coach. This keeps me somewhat in check. I meet with her one week from now. I have been in the study for about 90 days, and my binge eating has improved tremendously. I have slipped up a couple of times. Last night, there were cupcakes. I had two, and I was about to have three. Fortunately, the kids ate the rest of the cupcakes. Eating sweets helps fill a void. It tends to push down the anxiety and the fear a little. It doesn't get rid of it. It is a temporary fix. As I write this, I am struggling with the desire to buy a treat at the coffee shop. I'm not even really hungry. I just want the sweet. I don't know if I will be able to control the urge.
I was hoping to work on a pitch for a column I am going to try to get into. Literary Mama is looking for new columnists. To be accepted, I have to write a hook, a 6 month plan, and 3 columns. That is a lot of work! I can't seem to get in the groove for it right now. I don't have to. I have a job which I love. I'm happy to focus on that right now, too. I don't want to pressure myself to do something I can't do yet. I was able to write my first entry for my Appalachian Trails Blog yesterday, and here I am writing on my personal blog. I have to start somewhere.
What is my plan to do what I need to do to feel the way I want to feel today? I need to focus on gratitude. I feel so thankful for my daughter. I feel gratitude for my son. I am so thankful for my loving husband, my mom, my dad, and my brother.
I just talked to my husband. We are going on a walk. Then we are going for a healthy lunch. I am doing this instead of eating an unhealthy sugary treat at the Coffee shop. It's a small victory. It will help my body adjust.