Tuesday, June 28, 2016

June 28, 2016

Families, I'm reading a book about families right now.  It is intense, a true story of a brother with manic depression with psychotic features.  His older brother is trying to have some type of a reckoning with the situation since his younger one (George A) has died.  It is Barefoot to Avalon by David Payne.

It reminds me of the themes: family, siblings, mental illness.  It's good though I skip around for the parts I like.  I tend to do that sometimes.  For some reason, and I blame my depression/anxiety for this, it's hard for me to fully succumb to something I read.  I prefer nonfiction (which this book is).  I don't understand the point in reading fiction any more.  This makes absolutely no sense, and I understand that.But try explaining that to my brain.  It doesn't work.

It is summer.  My kids are at zoo camp this week.  My husband thought that would be a good idea so that I could get the house together, etc.  I have been doing ok, reasonably ok considering.  When I have too long to think without a required activity, it is hard for me.  I am avoiding the house and all of its implication.  It is so difficult for me to do the small things right now.  If I don't make the house look perfect, if I don't have a cute nook and cranny for studying, for playing games, to make our lives meaningful, our children's lives meaningful, I have failed.  My mom called this morning to try to schedule a time to help me with the house.  I couldn't commit to anything, and I told her some of my fears surrounding this.  I feel a little bit better since I explained this to her.  It makes my days more fluid.  It keeps me available to write, to read, to be productive in other ways?  To help my mental illness dissipate somewhat?!  I don't know if that's possible.  I have just changed medication regimens slightly, and I hope that it will help.  I think  it has helped somewhat.  I only slept about 10 hours instead of my usual 12 or more last night.  That is a great improvement.  I slept only about 8 the night before which is a miracle.  That is my goal.  I think I feel better and more normal when I do that.

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