January 5, 2019
It's a new year. I have much to celebrate. I have been exercising at least three days a week for months now. I am about to start back at work on Monday which unfortunately triggers anxiety and depression for me. I want to also start looking at what I'm eating because that might be a factor, also. As you know, internet, I lost 30 pounds and have kept it off for two years. It is starting to creep back up a little to 184.4 from 180 since I have been eating lots of sweets to help manage my depression. It temporarily helps me feel better when I eat as much chocolate as I can get my hands on. It is an addiction for me. It means scouring the house for the kids Christmas candy and eating what I think I can get away with without them noticing it. Who bought them this particular candy, you ask. I did of course.
Here is my exercise regime since the first of January:
Tuesday, New Years Day, 2019: 6 miles running with a run/walk of 2:00/30 seconds. Then another mile of walking
Wednesday: Rest
Thursday: Running/walking for 10 miles. I was trying not to exercise on Thursday. Unfortunately my brain didn't allow it. I started sinking into depression. I felt terrible, desperate. I left the house around 12:30 PM and didn't return until after 4:00 PM. This was after running/walking 10 miles. That was the only thing that worked.
Friday: Rest
Saturday: I was going to go to The November Project workout at 8:00 AM, but I kept hitting snooze on my alarm. I couldn't sleep all night with the anxiety of Will I wake up or won't I? Then Diana called me twice. We hadn't yet decided on her picking me up, but thank God she did. I got out of bed at 7:40. I quickly threw on a coat over my outfit (that I slept in). I got some tea ready, some water and a bar. I also threw my medication in my pocket. I still had time to take my medicine, eat a bar, and make it to November Project on time- with Diana driving. The workout was great. I felt terrible when I started, but it finally went away after about 10 minutes.
Sunday (tomorrow) I'm either doing a 5.6 mile Jackson Day Race in Arabi, LA or I'm running around the park with the family. I already have Diana coming with me. I'll do whatever she wants.
Since I am full of anxiety, indecision and a general sense of dread that is my depression, it is extremely difficult to make a decision. I am a little obsessed with how should I exercise tomorrow? Will I sleep tonight? etc. I have around 19 more papers to grade which is amazing since I started with 74 papers. I also need to clean the house, make everything perfect for starting school on Monday. Since all of this overwhelms me so much, I will of course, do nothing. I did try to clean my room for about 30 minutes. It overwhelmed me and made me feel very depressed. I don't know why. That makes no sense. I just don't think I can do it properly. I know, it makes no sense. That is why I am writing to you- dear blog. It helps me stay off the edge. I am lucky enough that my depression has never sent me into the hospital. I wish I could go in the hospital sometimes, to take a break from it, but I don't think that is what happens. I think that would be terrible to be in a facility where you didn't have control of your life anymore. Therefore, that won't happen. I will continue. What other choice do I have. I just have to pick up one foot. Put one foot in front of the other. Go to this party. Talk to this person. You know the drill.
Saturday, January 5, 2019
Saturday, December 8, 2018
December 8, 2018
Well, I am writing this from my bed. I never allow myself to lay in bed during the day. However, it is pouring rain. I cleaned the kitchen, and I cleaned out the refrigerator. I am supposed to go running at 3ish with my friend. I hope the rain stops or slows down by then!
I'm doing ok today. How I am doing is always based on how much I've been exercising. Of course I am taking my medication! I did have a little trouble getting ALL of my medication on time. My pharmacy was not filling one of my medications because the manufacturer wasn't making that quantity (30 mg). They were only making the 15 mg amount. I got a new prescription for the medication, and the pharmacy finally filled it.
Wish me luck on the exercising at 3:45PM!
I'm doing ok today. How I am doing is always based on how much I've been exercising. Of course I am taking my medication! I did have a little trouble getting ALL of my medication on time. My pharmacy was not filling one of my medications because the manufacturer wasn't making that quantity (30 mg). They were only making the 15 mg amount. I got a new prescription for the medication, and the pharmacy finally filled it.
Wish me luck on the exercising at 3:45PM!
Monday, November 19, 2018
November 19, 2018
It is the Monday of Thanksgiving break. I slept 12 hours last night which makes me feel terrible. Wow, this is what I am always saying about myself. On the plus side I did force myself to exercise for 30 minutes which helped somewhat. I also have the girls this afternoon which will help. I am currently facing a to do list which includes making my husband bill his clients. I also have taking care of the animals, flue shots, immunizations, etc., and my quest to make my house look like a loving home where an amazing mom lives. Right?! So, the only thing I can kind of do is some school work. It is hard for me to focus on the house because it seems so overwhelming. My dad has an issue with one of his leg that he is worried about and my mom is worried about. I was so deep in thought about how to avoid being a depressed/anxious whirlwind over this break that I fell and chipped my front tooth- pretty badly. This means I will be at the dentist tomorrow at 10:00AM hoping for the best. Ughhh. Oh well.
Anyway, I am exercising more regularly. I'm not eating very well, but I have maintained a 30 pound weight loss that I lost last year. It's a start. It's better than nothing.
Anyway, I am exercising more regularly. I'm not eating very well, but I have maintained a 30 pound weight loss that I lost last year. It's a start. It's better than nothing.
Saturday, January 27, 2018
January 27, 2018
I just finished hiking up the stairs at The downtown Marriott just now. I hiked up the stairs with my day pack full of 20 pounds of books from school and my laptop. I woke up this morning around 7:30, ate too much for breakfast, and felt ok. Then I straightened up the house and took Eli with me to see Ana's game. In the in between space, my mind reeled, the depression covering every surface, seeping into every crevice. I faked my way through the car ride back home with Ana. I sat on the couch and opened my computer and looked at it just to have something to do. I had already straightened up the house. The thought of doing a detailed job at home- of course- filled me with dread because I don't know how to start. I just feel like a failure because every room isn't detailed and figured out- even though we are never home. The mantra I should be saying to myself is "if it isn't happening now, it isn't happening." I kept picturing the day, and I had absolutely no idea how I was going to get through it, no idea how I was going to get through it. I told Mario, "I'm very sick right now. I feel very sick." He said, "OK." Just telling him made me feel a bit better.
I tried to make myself be mad at him for not wanting to fix me or fix the problem. However, he knows that I just have to go through it. He asked about 15 minutes later once I seemed to be doing better if I was better. I said, "Why can't you just tell me to go lie in the bed?" He said, "I would if I thought that would help." He is absolutely perfect for me with dealing with my annoying fucking mental illness. He isn't going to just let me give into it. I have also told him that he should never do that. I don't think it has occurred to him anyway. I am thinking this with a sarcastic tone. He does a great job with me honestly.
I decided that I absolutely had to hike at the Marriott with my pack. It is my first hike up with an actual pack. It is absolutely pouring, and I am not going to run in the rain like that if I don't have to.
Ciao for now!
I tried to make myself be mad at him for not wanting to fix me or fix the problem. However, he knows that I just have to go through it. He asked about 15 minutes later once I seemed to be doing better if I was better. I said, "Why can't you just tell me to go lie in the bed?" He said, "I would if I thought that would help." He is absolutely perfect for me with dealing with my annoying fucking mental illness. He isn't going to just let me give into it. I have also told him that he should never do that. I don't think it has occurred to him anyway. I am thinking this with a sarcastic tone. He does a great job with me honestly.
I decided that I absolutely had to hike at the Marriott with my pack. It is my first hike up with an actual pack. It is absolutely pouring, and I am not going to run in the rain like that if I don't have to.
Ciao for now!
Tuesday, December 19, 2017
December 19, 2017
It is near Christmas, so I am not doing well. Christmas is so stressful for many reasons. My mom is always extremely stressed at Christmas time which doesn't help. My grades are due at school; my schedule changes, and transitions are very difficult. I'm screaming inside my head right now, basically. I just sent an email to Salon to pitch a story idea. It's a long shot, but eventually I will be published in Salon. I could also fix my entries to go along with The Appalachian Trials. That is another option that I haven't taken yet. I get a terrible pit in my stomach whenever I think about writing. I think it is something that I must do. I'm not sure why I think that, especially if it is going to make me anxious. Is it just a leftover dream from my childhood? I don't know. On the up side, I weighed myself after 11 days, and my weight was around 172.6. That's exciting. For my height, I can be up to 160 pounds, so I'm getting closer. I have maintained this weight for months now. My goal is to get down to 150 pounds, so that it can fluctuate from 150 to 155. I've been doing some stress eating, but it has greatly improved.
The hard part about feeling depressed is that it is difficult to write. When I give myself a second of time to think, I start looking at my surroundings finding sadness in everything. I look at the window frame of houses I pass, and something about the stillness, lack of people, lack of noises in the house makes me feel the emptiness of the house. This is a house that I am walking by or running by. I feel my head clean out as I start running, and hopefully I get to a part of the running or walking up forty flights of stairs that brings a focus on just the physical exertion. This helps my mind start to repair some of the damage that depression is causing moment by moment by moment. The words don't flow out like they should. I can't quickly recall names because of the Wellbutrin. The Buspar that I take two times a day barely takes the edge off. The Effexor- well if I forget to take my Effexor, my eyes hurt. There are electric flashes in my head. It feels like I have a terrible flu. Nothing makes it go away except getting somewhat drunk. I don't drink anymore at all because drinking is a depressant. Not to mention the alcoholics in my family. I don't want to be any part of that. Too many people that I love and who are a part of my life drink too much. I can't do something that is guaranteed to make me feel bad in the morning- especially when my natural chemicals inside my brain can make me do that all by myself. I need no help with this, no help at all.
I have been very proactive about doing everything I can do to feel as good as I possibly can. I have exercised every day, every single day. I am taking all my meds on time (of course). I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow and my health coach tomorrow. I make lists. I try to tell myself "if it isn't happening RIGHT NOW, it IS NOT happening." As my mind spirals, I tell myself, "STOP." It repeats. "Stop" Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. I put up an invisible wall to help my thoughts from spiraling. They spiral any way.
I went to my daughter's violin recital and felt guilty that I am not helping her practice more. I felt guilty that I didn't read them a story last night, that I felt exhausted and helpless by 9:00 PM and went straight to bed where I slept for as many possible hours as I could because then I don't have to be awake for those hours- during those hours I don't have to fight the feelings off, the spiral of self hatred, the spiral of what I have done wrong, the list of things that I have to do. Which means that I can not do many, many of the things I am supposed to do. I see people when I have to because that is a rule I have for myself: you have to go to things you are invited to. I do not want to go. Hardly ever. But I must go. I listened to Jenny Lawson the other day on The Hilarious World of Depression. Her excessive, spiraling thoughts and anxiety are so much worse than mine. Why can't I cut myself some slack and stop it? It makes me angry that I have depression. I feel angry that I have to fight it. I only feel okay if I am in the middle of a sprint or at the top of the 42nd floor at The Marriott where I climb the stairs. Before is just the anxiety of how will I run? Will I run? Will I actually do it? How many minutes will I wait before I start? I have free time at 10:30. Will I do it? Will I? Will I do the only thing that can save myself?
The goal, obviously would be to run first thing in the morning- before anything- before Santa, before talking, before existing, running to power my mind. I ran/walked a half marathon on Saturday. It helped. Before that, I had walked up the stairs on Friday. It helped a little, but only a little, not as much as it usually does because I felt like too many hours had passed between exercising, between wringing the demons from my brain. I scream inside my mind again. Nervousness and anxiety at each transition, finishing a class, starting a class, kids getting home from school, getting kids from school, interacting with my family, interacting with my immediate family. Can I be present? Can I be there? Can I be normal? Am I too harsh, too what? It was exhausting and demoralizing how terrible I felt when we had to decorate the tree. I didn't know how I was going to get through that day. I had run a half marathon the day before which is usually enough to give me some residual strength. However, it wasn't quite working. I texted my mom/dad/Juli. It helped somewhat.
My said, "You have a terrible illness; people did from it. Pull yourself together."
"Really?" I thought to myself, "Oh, I hadn't thought of that." Here comes the inner scream again. My niece is supposed to be here any minute now, so I'm wrapping this up. Thanks for listening internet.
The hard part about feeling depressed is that it is difficult to write. When I give myself a second of time to think, I start looking at my surroundings finding sadness in everything. I look at the window frame of houses I pass, and something about the stillness, lack of people, lack of noises in the house makes me feel the emptiness of the house. This is a house that I am walking by or running by. I feel my head clean out as I start running, and hopefully I get to a part of the running or walking up forty flights of stairs that brings a focus on just the physical exertion. This helps my mind start to repair some of the damage that depression is causing moment by moment by moment. The words don't flow out like they should. I can't quickly recall names because of the Wellbutrin. The Buspar that I take two times a day barely takes the edge off. The Effexor- well if I forget to take my Effexor, my eyes hurt. There are electric flashes in my head. It feels like I have a terrible flu. Nothing makes it go away except getting somewhat drunk. I don't drink anymore at all because drinking is a depressant. Not to mention the alcoholics in my family. I don't want to be any part of that. Too many people that I love and who are a part of my life drink too much. I can't do something that is guaranteed to make me feel bad in the morning- especially when my natural chemicals inside my brain can make me do that all by myself. I need no help with this, no help at all.
I have been very proactive about doing everything I can do to feel as good as I possibly can. I have exercised every day, every single day. I am taking all my meds on time (of course). I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow and my health coach tomorrow. I make lists. I try to tell myself "if it isn't happening RIGHT NOW, it IS NOT happening." As my mind spirals, I tell myself, "STOP." It repeats. "Stop" Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. I put up an invisible wall to help my thoughts from spiraling. They spiral any way.
I went to my daughter's violin recital and felt guilty that I am not helping her practice more. I felt guilty that I didn't read them a story last night, that I felt exhausted and helpless by 9:00 PM and went straight to bed where I slept for as many possible hours as I could because then I don't have to be awake for those hours- during those hours I don't have to fight the feelings off, the spiral of self hatred, the spiral of what I have done wrong, the list of things that I have to do. Which means that I can not do many, many of the things I am supposed to do. I see people when I have to because that is a rule I have for myself: you have to go to things you are invited to. I do not want to go. Hardly ever. But I must go. I listened to Jenny Lawson the other day on The Hilarious World of Depression. Her excessive, spiraling thoughts and anxiety are so much worse than mine. Why can't I cut myself some slack and stop it? It makes me angry that I have depression. I feel angry that I have to fight it. I only feel okay if I am in the middle of a sprint or at the top of the 42nd floor at The Marriott where I climb the stairs. Before is just the anxiety of how will I run? Will I run? Will I actually do it? How many minutes will I wait before I start? I have free time at 10:30. Will I do it? Will I? Will I do the only thing that can save myself?
The goal, obviously would be to run first thing in the morning- before anything- before Santa, before talking, before existing, running to power my mind. I ran/walked a half marathon on Saturday. It helped. Before that, I had walked up the stairs on Friday. It helped a little, but only a little, not as much as it usually does because I felt like too many hours had passed between exercising, between wringing the demons from my brain. I scream inside my mind again. Nervousness and anxiety at each transition, finishing a class, starting a class, kids getting home from school, getting kids from school, interacting with my family, interacting with my immediate family. Can I be present? Can I be there? Can I be normal? Am I too harsh, too what? It was exhausting and demoralizing how terrible I felt when we had to decorate the tree. I didn't know how I was going to get through that day. I had run a half marathon the day before which is usually enough to give me some residual strength. However, it wasn't quite working. I texted my mom/dad/Juli. It helped somewhat.
My said, "You have a terrible illness; people did from it. Pull yourself together."
"Really?" I thought to myself, "Oh, I hadn't thought of that." Here comes the inner scream again. My niece is supposed to be here any minute now, so I'm wrapping this up. Thanks for listening internet.
Sunday, October 22, 2017
Today
I am going to attempt to write for at least 20 minutes...to clear my head, to be honest about where I am now. I slept too long last night which stressed me out because it throws off my mental health. I didn't even get out of bed until around 10:00 AM. Mario brought me two coffees and the paper to read. I know; I'm spoiled. I got up dizzy with too much sleep around 10:00 AM. The kids and husband were going to go watch a football game at a friend's house which left me the unusual situation of having time to myself. I watched a one and a half episodes of Sherlock while straightening the house. Then I forced myself to run. I have gone on a run every day since Friday which is extremely helpful for my mental health. As always I am on my usual medication which includes: Effexor, Wellbutrin, and Buspar (twice a day). It certainly helps take the edge off. Exercise really helps, too. I have been listening to The Hilarious World of Depression which is really good. John Green was talking on the show about thinking that spirals out of control. I definitely struggle with that. While I was running today- once I got to a certain threshold- my mind began to clear. I ran most of the way downtown to The Marriott. At the Marriott I indulged in 9 small Madeleines- of course I did- a tea and water. The security guard paid for it for some reason. I'm not really sure why. Maybe I looked pathetic? I'm not sure. The run felt pretty good. I wasn't exhausted from work which helps. After stuffing myself with Madeleines, I walked up the 42 flights of stairs to the top. It was good. It wasn't that hard since I have been running and walking up some stairs for the past few days. I am going to try to maintain this during the week, and I think that will help.
I started walking the three miles home, and my mind started spinning. I'm glad the weekend is almost over and that it is later in the day which helps. It means that the weekend is almost over. I immediately started to feel guilty and terrible because I hadn't been with my family even though I hate football. I chose not to go over to the house. I exercised and cleaned somewhat which should help. However, my binge eating has been getting out of control, and my eating is definitely in control of me. I haven't weighed myself in days, and I have a meeting with my nutritionist on Wednesday. I want to take control of my life again, and I want to achieve a healthy weight for my height (a maximum of 160 pounds), but can I do it? I have doubts today. I felt so panicked yesterday of the thought of how I would fail as a mom, fail to get through the weekend, that I told myself I absolutely must eat whatever I needed to eat to get through that. I ran to the soccer game. I ran home and stopped at two different places to eat two different things by myself so that no one else would see me. Of course the strangers in the shop saw me, but that was ok. I felt somewhat guilty, but I felt like it was necessary to shove that food down my throat. I bought a cookie, too, and I had to throw that away after I finished shoving a small chocolate pie down my throat. I threw it away as I envisioned myself eating it in secret at my house - which I can do and have done for years. I am disgusted with myself. I am sad that I continue to feel empty, alone, and powerless against this illness which is always with me. Yes I am managing it. Yes I have a wonderful husband and family and some friends. I am fighting every day against this sinking, this thing that is dragging me under. It is always with me. It is always with me. I know that I can have a happy life, and I know that I can have moments where I feel good. When I got off work on Friday I felt so much worse than I do right now. I hadn't exercised, I felt like my lessons at work didn't go over well. I didn't see how I was going to get to my kids' festival that I had to get to. I forced myself to run up the hospital's stairs twice which was 22 flights of stairs. I ran as much as I could, and I walked a lot of it. It definitely helped clear my mind. I can feel my mind clearing now, too. Sometimes as I run at the end of a hard day, I feel like I am filled with the depression and anxiety, that it is oozing out and pouring in at the same time. It is working its way out and into my body. I feel like I have to acknowledge its presence. I don't accept it. I don't like it. I will never like it. Will I ever accept it? I hear people on podcasts talking about how they have accepted it. I feel like a combatant like it is my arch enemy (ala Sherlock). I abhor it; I try to sometimes not think of it.
I have been thinking for the past month really about how I will tackle two things. First I need to maintain the weight I lost consistently. Second I need to begin losing the final 30 pounds (20-30 pounds depending on how optimistic I'm feeling.) I talked to Mario about having my celebration be a week on the Appalachian Trail right after school is over with two of my friends. When I am hiking I can honestly get rid of the anxiety and depression. I don't think to myself what a failure I am since my house isn't cute, charming, and welcoming like a Betty Crocker house, how my classroom is not exactly how I want it-every moment planned and conducted like I picture it in my mind. How can I do this technique, Writing Workshop, do the asinine things required of me such as state testing, be cheerful, be all the things I need to be for all the people that I need to be. How can I be anxious about these idiotic, trivial things when an acquaintance is dealing with her husband who had a psychotic break and killed their 18 month old child. I don't have problems compared to that. Certainly not.
I would like to experience and show gratitude for what I have, all that I have, who I am, who my husband, children and family are and how lucky I am. I was healthy enough to run today. I was healthy enough to feel good while running. It wasn't fast, but it felt good. God give me the strength to be in the moment, to be the best I can be, to be there for my family, for others, to teach the best lessons I can, to balance my work, family, and personal life- which I feel again that I am a failure in. My instincts tell me to stay alone, without others, but I don't want to do that. I do want to nurture friendships with my mom, my sister in law, my friends. God help me. I am thankful. I am thankful. I am thankful.
I started walking the three miles home, and my mind started spinning. I'm glad the weekend is almost over and that it is later in the day which helps. It means that the weekend is almost over. I immediately started to feel guilty and terrible because I hadn't been with my family even though I hate football. I chose not to go over to the house. I exercised and cleaned somewhat which should help. However, my binge eating has been getting out of control, and my eating is definitely in control of me. I haven't weighed myself in days, and I have a meeting with my nutritionist on Wednesday. I want to take control of my life again, and I want to achieve a healthy weight for my height (a maximum of 160 pounds), but can I do it? I have doubts today. I felt so panicked yesterday of the thought of how I would fail as a mom, fail to get through the weekend, that I told myself I absolutely must eat whatever I needed to eat to get through that. I ran to the soccer game. I ran home and stopped at two different places to eat two different things by myself so that no one else would see me. Of course the strangers in the shop saw me, but that was ok. I felt somewhat guilty, but I felt like it was necessary to shove that food down my throat. I bought a cookie, too, and I had to throw that away after I finished shoving a small chocolate pie down my throat. I threw it away as I envisioned myself eating it in secret at my house - which I can do and have done for years. I am disgusted with myself. I am sad that I continue to feel empty, alone, and powerless against this illness which is always with me. Yes I am managing it. Yes I have a wonderful husband and family and some friends. I am fighting every day against this sinking, this thing that is dragging me under. It is always with me. It is always with me. I know that I can have a happy life, and I know that I can have moments where I feel good. When I got off work on Friday I felt so much worse than I do right now. I hadn't exercised, I felt like my lessons at work didn't go over well. I didn't see how I was going to get to my kids' festival that I had to get to. I forced myself to run up the hospital's stairs twice which was 22 flights of stairs. I ran as much as I could, and I walked a lot of it. It definitely helped clear my mind. I can feel my mind clearing now, too. Sometimes as I run at the end of a hard day, I feel like I am filled with the depression and anxiety, that it is oozing out and pouring in at the same time. It is working its way out and into my body. I feel like I have to acknowledge its presence. I don't accept it. I don't like it. I will never like it. Will I ever accept it? I hear people on podcasts talking about how they have accepted it. I feel like a combatant like it is my arch enemy (ala Sherlock). I abhor it; I try to sometimes not think of it.
I have been thinking for the past month really about how I will tackle two things. First I need to maintain the weight I lost consistently. Second I need to begin losing the final 30 pounds (20-30 pounds depending on how optimistic I'm feeling.) I talked to Mario about having my celebration be a week on the Appalachian Trail right after school is over with two of my friends. When I am hiking I can honestly get rid of the anxiety and depression. I don't think to myself what a failure I am since my house isn't cute, charming, and welcoming like a Betty Crocker house, how my classroom is not exactly how I want it-every moment planned and conducted like I picture it in my mind. How can I do this technique, Writing Workshop, do the asinine things required of me such as state testing, be cheerful, be all the things I need to be for all the people that I need to be. How can I be anxious about these idiotic, trivial things when an acquaintance is dealing with her husband who had a psychotic break and killed their 18 month old child. I don't have problems compared to that. Certainly not.
I would like to experience and show gratitude for what I have, all that I have, who I am, who my husband, children and family are and how lucky I am. I was healthy enough to run today. I was healthy enough to feel good while running. It wasn't fast, but it felt good. God give me the strength to be in the moment, to be the best I can be, to be there for my family, for others, to teach the best lessons I can, to balance my work, family, and personal life- which I feel again that I am a failure in. My instincts tell me to stay alone, without others, but I don't want to do that. I do want to nurture friendships with my mom, my sister in law, my friends. God help me. I am thankful. I am thankful. I am thankful.
Healthy Life Plan
I went back and read some of my previous blogs, and I realized I need to explain some more information about my healthy life! I mentioned in an earlier post that I was ready to deal with my disordered eating. This disordered eating plus the stress of a house fire (arson) that my family survived two years ago, well all of this lead to a huge weight gain. I had to add some medication to my med. regime to cope with the fire. I started taking Abilify which led to a huge weight gain. I got accepted in a Propel Study through LSU. This lead to a 30-40 pound weight loss (depending on the day). It was extremely hard. I am part of the study for roughly another year. My weight has started to slowly creep back up, and I am struggling with my disordered eating again.
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