Where to begin? I just returned from Georgia and North Carolina where I spent a record (for me) 11 days on The Appalachian Trail. I am still carrying with me a feeling of peace. I haven't actually exercised in probably over a week. I got off the trail a week and a half ago. Then we spent a week in the mountains in NC. I did a little exercise there but not consistently.
I just arrived back in New Orleans last night. Today, I spent maybe an hour or an hour and a half straightening and starting the process of unpacking/laundry. I was struck by how much better I was able to manage those tasks today. I fully appreciate and embrace the simplicity with which I was able to straighten up the kitchen, make the bed, and straighten the living room. This isn't how it usually goes. I am usually accompanied by a panicked, anxious inner dialogue that tells me I am nothing, a failure, a terrible mother, that I am wasting my day, my life, my children's childhoods because I can't get it done immediately.
Today, it was hard to get started. I texted back and forth with a friend. I gave myself some deadlines, took a bath, made myself lunch, and finally started. However, I didn't feel like this task was a monumental task that represented me as a person and my failures or lack of failures.
I think the hiking, the week in the mountains, and all of the time spent outside doing what I love have really helped. REALLY helped.
Tonight, I am meeting Sparrow for a 6:30 PM LRC run. Hurray! Then tomorrow morning I am going to the early morning run that one of the groups has. I have never been to that group, but that won't stop me. Then November Project for Wednesday and Friday. Those are my goals. I will keep you posted after I achieve them.
See the Joy,
Katy (Trail Name: Fire Turtle)
Monday, July 8, 2019
Tuesday, April 23, 2019
April 23, 2019
I have the week off from school this week- Spring Break. This should be good. It is in a way, but any disruption in my schedule is difficult for me to handle. We are staying on the North Shore this week, and I am attempting to do some adventures with the kids. The results have been mixed. I left this morning around 9:00 AM to go see my new therapist for the second time. I really like her. She tells me to keep doing what I have been doing. She says that I have been doing a good job.
I picked up a friend for my son, and I drove back over. I should be fine, but I am feeling anxious. My brother and mom are working on the new deck. I asked if I could hold the post, and they told me not to worry about it. This caused my thoughts to spiral. I am seen as as lazy, not a hard worker, etc. Even though I just met with my therapist, and I just took my second dose of anti anxiety meds, I still feel anxious. It is the worst feeling. I told myself that I am going to write for at least 10 minutes. Then I'm going to go back into the world and try to interact. It shouldn't be that difficult (should it) to make it to dinner time, should it? I go to bed early, or at least I can shut myself up in my room early. That should help. Argggghhhh!
I picked up a friend for my son, and I drove back over. I should be fine, but I am feeling anxious. My brother and mom are working on the new deck. I asked if I could hold the post, and they told me not to worry about it. This caused my thoughts to spiral. I am seen as as lazy, not a hard worker, etc. Even though I just met with my therapist, and I just took my second dose of anti anxiety meds, I still feel anxious. It is the worst feeling. I told myself that I am going to write for at least 10 minutes. Then I'm going to go back into the world and try to interact. It shouldn't be that difficult (should it) to make it to dinner time, should it? I go to bed early, or at least I can shut myself up in my room early. That should help. Argggghhhh!
Sunday, January 13, 2019
January 13, 2019
I am going to try to write much more often. I hope that it will help me process and live the best I can in the conditions that are my mind. I am listening to a podcast as I type. My son is playing soccer in our stamp size front yard with our neighbor. My daughter is at her cousin's house baking a cake. I just dropped off my husband downtown to attend the Saints Playoff team.
I'm listening to Serial, listening again to the podcast about Bowe Bergdahl. Bergdahl has not been officially diagnosed, but it is most likely that he has some type of mental illness (schizo affective disorder). I am lucky that I don't have a diagnosis that is this severe. Schizo affective disorder is much harder to treat than depression and anxiety which is what I suffer from (heavy on the depression). Anxiety is- of course- along for the ride (for myself).
Here is the synopsis for last week. I ran on the weekend for a short distance (maybe around 4 miles). Monday and Wednesday I went to November Project with my friend. Therefore, I was pretty stable Monday-Thursday. I was tired, and I went to bed too early on Thursday. I went to bed from 7:30 PM until 6:30 AM. I woke up, and I still felt so exhausted. This was the first week back after our Holiday Break which lasted for two weeks. On Friday I felt physically and mentally done. I wasn't my best. Everything bothered me. I felt sick, very ill from my depression. I have felt worse. I could walk around, go to work, etc. That was all I could do. As soon as I came home, I was done. It feels like a terrible cycle. My husband was great. He helped with everything. He made me get up on Friday morning and on Saturday morning. I had a plan to go on a long run on Saturday. I probably slept for over 10 hours on Friday. I said I would start my planned 13.1 mile training run at 7:00AM. Then I could be helpful with family life. Of course I didn't even get out of bed until 7:30 AM. It wasn't the end of the world.
I texted my running partner, and she told me to go to her house, so we could start together. I arrived at her house around 8:30, and we started almost immediately. I felt terrible at first because I had slept more hours than I was awake for the past few days. After about 30 minutes of running (2 min run/30 sec walk), the terrible dread, fog, and disgusting film of depression began to lift off of my body and soul. Thank you, God, for this. Thank you. Then I knew I would be fine. We are running in The Big Beach Marathon on January 27th. I'm running the half, and my running partner is running the full. It will be her first full. It will be my second half for the year. Running is literally saving me. Really. Especially when I oversleep- which I do because my mind/body tells me, you are exhausted, you are exhausted. The dread, anxiety, and just being in the moment are awful and relentless. When I am deeply asleep, I don't feel it. Once I begin to cross the 10 hour threshold, I have dreams that I wake up remembering. These dreams repeat and vary slightly. They are usually about how I have lost my mind, I am in a psych ward somewhere, and I am trapped in my own head. They are pretty awful. The terrible state that I am in in my dreams has never happened to me in real life. I think these dreams represent my worst fears about my mind (which-as I said- is relentless). C ran with me for 7 miles. We kept a pretty good pace. She really helped me. It felt fine, but I would not have been able to do it without the help.
She left me at her street. I had 6 more miles to do. I started on my own, and I felt fine. The first 30 minutes are always the hardest. Once my body is warmed up, and I'm in the zone, I can keep going. I decided to run all the way downtown (to the Marriott). That is a three mile run from where C dropped me off. It is largely on the dirt tracks of the street car which feels good on the legs. I had a banana, water, and tea at the Starbucks downtown. Then I decided to run my additional 3 miles downtown by the Mississippi River, down the riverfront, down through Crescent Park. These parks follow the river, and they feel great.
The last three miles of my three miles, I tried to run the entire time. This felt pretty good. Therefore, I walked another 7 miles back home. This gave me a total of 20 miles with 13 miles done running/walking. This has been my longest walk/run in NOLA in years. It felt amazing. My heart rate was up. I was exhausted but not injured. I stopped at Steins and had a bagel with egg, swiss, and tomato. Then I walked to my mother in law's house where my daughter and husband were. I knew I would be fine for the rest of the day. I knew that the intense exercise would keep me feeling safe for the next 24 hours. I forced myself to stay awake until 9PM. I was up by 7:30 AM. This wasn't great, but it wasn't terrible. I didn't feel as bad as I usually do after sleeping this long because my body actually needed it due to the 20 miles.
Today I went on a nice walk for a couple of miles. I cleaned the kitchen. Now my job is to clean the house and get things ready for the week. This always overwhelms me. I need to look at the bills, pay them, take a shower, wash my hair, be present for my kids when they are done with their playdate. Be present for my family when we are all together tonight for dinner. That sounds easy right? It is, if you are not so depressed and anxious that you can't be in the moment.
I already have a plan for exercising in the morning. I have to have someone pick me up, or I have to pick up someone in order to go to my November Project workout. If no one is counting on me, I will sleep. My friend will be waiting on me for 5:40 AM. I'll sleep in my clothes, have my water, shoes, and keys by the door. Then I'll go get her in the morning.
Doing the small things such as cleaning up, organizing, etc. Those are the hard things. I don't feel like I will do enough. My house won't be the right kind of clean. Am I being a good enough mom? Look at my house. Look at the pictures I haven't hung, etc. These things haunt me, so it is hard for me to do anything at all. I am going to try. The only way I can do it is to write myself a list in my tiny calendar notebook. Then I have to cross the things off the list. This list has to be VERY SPECIFIC, or I will not do it.
Next week, I have an appointment with a new therapist. I am taking my medication. I am exercising. My plan is to do November Project on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, and have one running day on Saturday. That should be ok.
Week of 1/13/2019
Sunday: Rest
Monday: NP Jeff Davis
Tuesday: (Satsuma 6:15- RUN)
Wednesday: NP (Champion's Square)
Thursday: Rest
Friday: NP (Lakefront)
Saturday: Run
I'm listening to Serial, listening again to the podcast about Bowe Bergdahl. Bergdahl has not been officially diagnosed, but it is most likely that he has some type of mental illness (schizo affective disorder). I am lucky that I don't have a diagnosis that is this severe. Schizo affective disorder is much harder to treat than depression and anxiety which is what I suffer from (heavy on the depression). Anxiety is- of course- along for the ride (for myself).
Here is the synopsis for last week. I ran on the weekend for a short distance (maybe around 4 miles). Monday and Wednesday I went to November Project with my friend. Therefore, I was pretty stable Monday-Thursday. I was tired, and I went to bed too early on Thursday. I went to bed from 7:30 PM until 6:30 AM. I woke up, and I still felt so exhausted. This was the first week back after our Holiday Break which lasted for two weeks. On Friday I felt physically and mentally done. I wasn't my best. Everything bothered me. I felt sick, very ill from my depression. I have felt worse. I could walk around, go to work, etc. That was all I could do. As soon as I came home, I was done. It feels like a terrible cycle. My husband was great. He helped with everything. He made me get up on Friday morning and on Saturday morning. I had a plan to go on a long run on Saturday. I probably slept for over 10 hours on Friday. I said I would start my planned 13.1 mile training run at 7:00AM. Then I could be helpful with family life. Of course I didn't even get out of bed until 7:30 AM. It wasn't the end of the world.
I texted my running partner, and she told me to go to her house, so we could start together. I arrived at her house around 8:30, and we started almost immediately. I felt terrible at first because I had slept more hours than I was awake for the past few days. After about 30 minutes of running (2 min run/30 sec walk), the terrible dread, fog, and disgusting film of depression began to lift off of my body and soul. Thank you, God, for this. Thank you. Then I knew I would be fine. We are running in The Big Beach Marathon on January 27th. I'm running the half, and my running partner is running the full. It will be her first full. It will be my second half for the year. Running is literally saving me. Really. Especially when I oversleep- which I do because my mind/body tells me, you are exhausted, you are exhausted. The dread, anxiety, and just being in the moment are awful and relentless. When I am deeply asleep, I don't feel it. Once I begin to cross the 10 hour threshold, I have dreams that I wake up remembering. These dreams repeat and vary slightly. They are usually about how I have lost my mind, I am in a psych ward somewhere, and I am trapped in my own head. They are pretty awful. The terrible state that I am in in my dreams has never happened to me in real life. I think these dreams represent my worst fears about my mind (which-as I said- is relentless). C ran with me for 7 miles. We kept a pretty good pace. She really helped me. It felt fine, but I would not have been able to do it without the help.
She left me at her street. I had 6 more miles to do. I started on my own, and I felt fine. The first 30 minutes are always the hardest. Once my body is warmed up, and I'm in the zone, I can keep going. I decided to run all the way downtown (to the Marriott). That is a three mile run from where C dropped me off. It is largely on the dirt tracks of the street car which feels good on the legs. I had a banana, water, and tea at the Starbucks downtown. Then I decided to run my additional 3 miles downtown by the Mississippi River, down the riverfront, down through Crescent Park. These parks follow the river, and they feel great.
The last three miles of my three miles, I tried to run the entire time. This felt pretty good. Therefore, I walked another 7 miles back home. This gave me a total of 20 miles with 13 miles done running/walking. This has been my longest walk/run in NOLA in years. It felt amazing. My heart rate was up. I was exhausted but not injured. I stopped at Steins and had a bagel with egg, swiss, and tomato. Then I walked to my mother in law's house where my daughter and husband were. I knew I would be fine for the rest of the day. I knew that the intense exercise would keep me feeling safe for the next 24 hours. I forced myself to stay awake until 9PM. I was up by 7:30 AM. This wasn't great, but it wasn't terrible. I didn't feel as bad as I usually do after sleeping this long because my body actually needed it due to the 20 miles.
Today I went on a nice walk for a couple of miles. I cleaned the kitchen. Now my job is to clean the house and get things ready for the week. This always overwhelms me. I need to look at the bills, pay them, take a shower, wash my hair, be present for my kids when they are done with their playdate. Be present for my family when we are all together tonight for dinner. That sounds easy right? It is, if you are not so depressed and anxious that you can't be in the moment.
I already have a plan for exercising in the morning. I have to have someone pick me up, or I have to pick up someone in order to go to my November Project workout. If no one is counting on me, I will sleep. My friend will be waiting on me for 5:40 AM. I'll sleep in my clothes, have my water, shoes, and keys by the door. Then I'll go get her in the morning.
Doing the small things such as cleaning up, organizing, etc. Those are the hard things. I don't feel like I will do enough. My house won't be the right kind of clean. Am I being a good enough mom? Look at my house. Look at the pictures I haven't hung, etc. These things haunt me, so it is hard for me to do anything at all. I am going to try. The only way I can do it is to write myself a list in my tiny calendar notebook. Then I have to cross the things off the list. This list has to be VERY SPECIFIC, or I will not do it.
Next week, I have an appointment with a new therapist. I am taking my medication. I am exercising. My plan is to do November Project on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, and have one running day on Saturday. That should be ok.
Week of 1/13/2019
Sunday: Rest
Monday: NP Jeff Davis
Tuesday: (Satsuma 6:15- RUN)
Wednesday: NP (Champion's Square)
Thursday: Rest
Friday: NP (Lakefront)
Saturday: Run
Saturday, January 5, 2019
January 5, 2019
January 5, 2019
It's a new year. I have much to celebrate. I have been exercising at least three days a week for months now. I am about to start back at work on Monday which unfortunately triggers anxiety and depression for me. I want to also start looking at what I'm eating because that might be a factor, also. As you know, internet, I lost 30 pounds and have kept it off for two years. It is starting to creep back up a little to 184.4 from 180 since I have been eating lots of sweets to help manage my depression. It temporarily helps me feel better when I eat as much chocolate as I can get my hands on. It is an addiction for me. It means scouring the house for the kids Christmas candy and eating what I think I can get away with without them noticing it. Who bought them this particular candy, you ask. I did of course.
Here is my exercise regime since the first of January:
Tuesday, New Years Day, 2019: 6 miles running with a run/walk of 2:00/30 seconds. Then another mile of walking
Wednesday: Rest
Thursday: Running/walking for 10 miles. I was trying not to exercise on Thursday. Unfortunately my brain didn't allow it. I started sinking into depression. I felt terrible, desperate. I left the house around 12:30 PM and didn't return until after 4:00 PM. This was after running/walking 10 miles. That was the only thing that worked.
Friday: Rest
Saturday: I was going to go to The November Project workout at 8:00 AM, but I kept hitting snooze on my alarm. I couldn't sleep all night with the anxiety of Will I wake up or won't I? Then Diana called me twice. We hadn't yet decided on her picking me up, but thank God she did. I got out of bed at 7:40. I quickly threw on a coat over my outfit (that I slept in). I got some tea ready, some water and a bar. I also threw my medication in my pocket. I still had time to take my medicine, eat a bar, and make it to November Project on time- with Diana driving. The workout was great. I felt terrible when I started, but it finally went away after about 10 minutes.
Sunday (tomorrow) I'm either doing a 5.6 mile Jackson Day Race in Arabi, LA or I'm running around the park with the family. I already have Diana coming with me. I'll do whatever she wants.
Since I am full of anxiety, indecision and a general sense of dread that is my depression, it is extremely difficult to make a decision. I am a little obsessed with how should I exercise tomorrow? Will I sleep tonight? etc. I have around 19 more papers to grade which is amazing since I started with 74 papers. I also need to clean the house, make everything perfect for starting school on Monday. Since all of this overwhelms me so much, I will of course, do nothing. I did try to clean my room for about 30 minutes. It overwhelmed me and made me feel very depressed. I don't know why. That makes no sense. I just don't think I can do it properly. I know, it makes no sense. That is why I am writing to you- dear blog. It helps me stay off the edge. I am lucky enough that my depression has never sent me into the hospital. I wish I could go in the hospital sometimes, to take a break from it, but I don't think that is what happens. I think that would be terrible to be in a facility where you didn't have control of your life anymore. Therefore, that won't happen. I will continue. What other choice do I have. I just have to pick up one foot. Put one foot in front of the other. Go to this party. Talk to this person. You know the drill.
It's a new year. I have much to celebrate. I have been exercising at least three days a week for months now. I am about to start back at work on Monday which unfortunately triggers anxiety and depression for me. I want to also start looking at what I'm eating because that might be a factor, also. As you know, internet, I lost 30 pounds and have kept it off for two years. It is starting to creep back up a little to 184.4 from 180 since I have been eating lots of sweets to help manage my depression. It temporarily helps me feel better when I eat as much chocolate as I can get my hands on. It is an addiction for me. It means scouring the house for the kids Christmas candy and eating what I think I can get away with without them noticing it. Who bought them this particular candy, you ask. I did of course.
Here is my exercise regime since the first of January:
Tuesday, New Years Day, 2019: 6 miles running with a run/walk of 2:00/30 seconds. Then another mile of walking
Wednesday: Rest
Thursday: Running/walking for 10 miles. I was trying not to exercise on Thursday. Unfortunately my brain didn't allow it. I started sinking into depression. I felt terrible, desperate. I left the house around 12:30 PM and didn't return until after 4:00 PM. This was after running/walking 10 miles. That was the only thing that worked.
Friday: Rest
Saturday: I was going to go to The November Project workout at 8:00 AM, but I kept hitting snooze on my alarm. I couldn't sleep all night with the anxiety of Will I wake up or won't I? Then Diana called me twice. We hadn't yet decided on her picking me up, but thank God she did. I got out of bed at 7:40. I quickly threw on a coat over my outfit (that I slept in). I got some tea ready, some water and a bar. I also threw my medication in my pocket. I still had time to take my medicine, eat a bar, and make it to November Project on time- with Diana driving. The workout was great. I felt terrible when I started, but it finally went away after about 10 minutes.
Sunday (tomorrow) I'm either doing a 5.6 mile Jackson Day Race in Arabi, LA or I'm running around the park with the family. I already have Diana coming with me. I'll do whatever she wants.
Since I am full of anxiety, indecision and a general sense of dread that is my depression, it is extremely difficult to make a decision. I am a little obsessed with how should I exercise tomorrow? Will I sleep tonight? etc. I have around 19 more papers to grade which is amazing since I started with 74 papers. I also need to clean the house, make everything perfect for starting school on Monday. Since all of this overwhelms me so much, I will of course, do nothing. I did try to clean my room for about 30 minutes. It overwhelmed me and made me feel very depressed. I don't know why. That makes no sense. I just don't think I can do it properly. I know, it makes no sense. That is why I am writing to you- dear blog. It helps me stay off the edge. I am lucky enough that my depression has never sent me into the hospital. I wish I could go in the hospital sometimes, to take a break from it, but I don't think that is what happens. I think that would be terrible to be in a facility where you didn't have control of your life anymore. Therefore, that won't happen. I will continue. What other choice do I have. I just have to pick up one foot. Put one foot in front of the other. Go to this party. Talk to this person. You know the drill.
Saturday, December 8, 2018
December 8, 2018
Well, I am writing this from my bed. I never allow myself to lay in bed during the day. However, it is pouring rain. I cleaned the kitchen, and I cleaned out the refrigerator. I am supposed to go running at 3ish with my friend. I hope the rain stops or slows down by then!
I'm doing ok today. How I am doing is always based on how much I've been exercising. Of course I am taking my medication! I did have a little trouble getting ALL of my medication on time. My pharmacy was not filling one of my medications because the manufacturer wasn't making that quantity (30 mg). They were only making the 15 mg amount. I got a new prescription for the medication, and the pharmacy finally filled it.
Wish me luck on the exercising at 3:45PM!
I'm doing ok today. How I am doing is always based on how much I've been exercising. Of course I am taking my medication! I did have a little trouble getting ALL of my medication on time. My pharmacy was not filling one of my medications because the manufacturer wasn't making that quantity (30 mg). They were only making the 15 mg amount. I got a new prescription for the medication, and the pharmacy finally filled it.
Wish me luck on the exercising at 3:45PM!
Monday, November 19, 2018
November 19, 2018
It is the Monday of Thanksgiving break. I slept 12 hours last night which makes me feel terrible. Wow, this is what I am always saying about myself. On the plus side I did force myself to exercise for 30 minutes which helped somewhat. I also have the girls this afternoon which will help. I am currently facing a to do list which includes making my husband bill his clients. I also have taking care of the animals, flue shots, immunizations, etc., and my quest to make my house look like a loving home where an amazing mom lives. Right?! So, the only thing I can kind of do is some school work. It is hard for me to focus on the house because it seems so overwhelming. My dad has an issue with one of his leg that he is worried about and my mom is worried about. I was so deep in thought about how to avoid being a depressed/anxious whirlwind over this break that I fell and chipped my front tooth- pretty badly. This means I will be at the dentist tomorrow at 10:00AM hoping for the best. Ughhh. Oh well.
Anyway, I am exercising more regularly. I'm not eating very well, but I have maintained a 30 pound weight loss that I lost last year. It's a start. It's better than nothing.
Anyway, I am exercising more regularly. I'm not eating very well, but I have maintained a 30 pound weight loss that I lost last year. It's a start. It's better than nothing.
Saturday, January 27, 2018
January 27, 2018
I just finished hiking up the stairs at The downtown Marriott just now. I hiked up the stairs with my day pack full of 20 pounds of books from school and my laptop. I woke up this morning around 7:30, ate too much for breakfast, and felt ok. Then I straightened up the house and took Eli with me to see Ana's game. In the in between space, my mind reeled, the depression covering every surface, seeping into every crevice. I faked my way through the car ride back home with Ana. I sat on the couch and opened my computer and looked at it just to have something to do. I had already straightened up the house. The thought of doing a detailed job at home- of course- filled me with dread because I don't know how to start. I just feel like a failure because every room isn't detailed and figured out- even though we are never home. The mantra I should be saying to myself is "if it isn't happening now, it isn't happening." I kept picturing the day, and I had absolutely no idea how I was going to get through it, no idea how I was going to get through it. I told Mario, "I'm very sick right now. I feel very sick." He said, "OK." Just telling him made me feel a bit better.
I tried to make myself be mad at him for not wanting to fix me or fix the problem. However, he knows that I just have to go through it. He asked about 15 minutes later once I seemed to be doing better if I was better. I said, "Why can't you just tell me to go lie in the bed?" He said, "I would if I thought that would help." He is absolutely perfect for me with dealing with my annoying fucking mental illness. He isn't going to just let me give into it. I have also told him that he should never do that. I don't think it has occurred to him anyway. I am thinking this with a sarcastic tone. He does a great job with me honestly.
I decided that I absolutely had to hike at the Marriott with my pack. It is my first hike up with an actual pack. It is absolutely pouring, and I am not going to run in the rain like that if I don't have to.
Ciao for now!
I tried to make myself be mad at him for not wanting to fix me or fix the problem. However, he knows that I just have to go through it. He asked about 15 minutes later once I seemed to be doing better if I was better. I said, "Why can't you just tell me to go lie in the bed?" He said, "I would if I thought that would help." He is absolutely perfect for me with dealing with my annoying fucking mental illness. He isn't going to just let me give into it. I have also told him that he should never do that. I don't think it has occurred to him anyway. I am thinking this with a sarcastic tone. He does a great job with me honestly.
I decided that I absolutely had to hike at the Marriott with my pack. It is my first hike up with an actual pack. It is absolutely pouring, and I am not going to run in the rain like that if I don't have to.
Ciao for now!
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